Friday, June 6, 2008

On Skinny-Fat Men and Fortune Cookies

I've been frequenting China Moon, the premier Asian buffet in Los Alamos. Yesterday I got a fortune cookie which said, "It's a nice day." Actually a cold front had blown through the city making it frigid in June, and internally I felt freaked out and panicky. So the day was not nice, and that's beside the point really--what I want from a fortune cookie is a prediction, an actual fortune, or at the very least, a truism.

I think fortune cookies should have advice on men, specifically about skinny-fat men. A skinny-fat man is thin and not volumous, yet is unfit and has poor muscle definition. He may have a bit of a paunch, but if it gets too big, he will move into the plain old "fat man" category. Skinny men often like women who are not skinny, some cushion to balance their edges. Fat men will also accept a non-skinny woman because they themselves are not thin. But a skinny-fat man neither needs the cushion of a woman, nor thinks of himself as a fat man: he deludes himself into thinking he's fit because he's thin.

So "date fat man, ok, date skinny man, ok, date skinny-fat man, no eat ice cream in peace." Why not put that on a fortune cookie? I'd also settle for a compliment inside my cookie.

Skinny-fat men are the first people to call people like Tyra Banks fat. And they cannot protect you in a fight, because they cannot invoke their inner tiger or panda, only the perl programmer, which is the weakest of all kung fu forms. They make poor workout partners because they do not workout, and you cannot enjoy eating at buffets with them, so there is no benefit to a skinny-fat man.

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